I’m not really sure how to begin this post or even where it will end up. Some may think that it’s too much to put out there or a cry for attention, I hope it’s just a light at the end of the tunnel for someone else. After all, it’s opening up and reading about others experiences that pushed me to finally get the help I needed.
My close friends have known for a while and I’ve mentioned it when it came up in conversation with a few clients but I have suffered with severe and debilitating anxiety and panic for years now – since I was a teenager. I can pinpoint a few times in my life that probably started this massive rollercoaster but none of those matter when this monster inside me is so alive, every. single. day. So many daily activities have become triggers and it had gotten to the point where I was suffering from agoraphobia. Some people were surprised to hear that I suffered so silently because I’m usually pretty bubbly and personable when I’m comfortable. They were a part of that routine that I was comfortable with though – and if that routine happened to change? My life fell apart. At 27 and with my own business, a strong and blossoming relationship with a beautiful and brilliant man, and a handful of friends that adore me to the moon and back, this has got to stop.
I’m not talking about being anxious about a big meeting. I’m talking about a panic attack in the middle of the store because the door wasn’t close enough for me to escape. Or someone getting in line behind me and I suddenly felt trapped. Or not eating out with friends for over 10 years because of the anxiety that I might get sick. The anxiety alone made me sick more days than not, and this past year I was driven into overdrive. My business took off, I shot a few weddings and a lot of things in my life changed. There were so many things I wanted to do though that I didn’t, out of anxiety and fear of what may happen. Everyone looks in from the outside and must think how wonderful and perfect things are, but on the inside I am drowning.
After having a talk with Andy and promising him I’d get help and finally having enough of it myself, I decided to make the phone call. I hadn’t done it before now because even the thought of that phone call made me have a panic attack. Going into a doctors office where the attention was on me? Where I was surrounded by people I didn’t know? Where I couldn’t leave if I needed to? Forget it! But then I decided to take a step forward. I talked to a few friends, had a great support system and decided – what’s the worst that can happen? If I have a panic attack, maybe the doctor will SEE it and know how to treat me. Wait, they’re doctors, they already know. They’re there for me. Just do it already before it consumes what little bit of your life you still have control over.
I made the call last week and as soon as I called I was put on hold. I was sitting in the Target parking lot on my phone and right that second I felt defeated and wanted to hang up. The girl sounded so nice though, so I didn’t want to hang up just yet. She came back, I scheduled my appointment and yesterday at 3pm I walked through those doors.
On the way there I received texts from friends (a couple who are past clients that I have come to adore) that made me cry from the support. Jade, being her usual spunky self sent the message “Sending you good vibes so hard right now, it may get inappropriate” . That bit of sunshine as I drove down the foggy and rainy highway pushed me through.
Another friend had mentioned that as soon as she walked through the doors after accepting help she instantly felt better. I kept that thought in my mind and that kept the hope alive. I used the breathing treatments Andy’s mom had talked to me about when I finally opened up to her about my problem. I purposely made myself get out of the car as soon as I parked so I didn’t have time to think and react. I got out and walked through those doors. At the end of my appointment, I had done it. My hands were sweaty and red from holding them so tightly. My blood pressure had to be taken again before I left because it was so elevated after I arrived. I did it, though. I walked out with two prescriptions and a plan. At least we had a plan, and I had a starting point. It’s not the end, not even close, and I know that. It’s a starting point though and I’m glad I finally took that step forward. That I opened my options to medication and therapy because I’m no longer ashamed. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I anticipated (but then again, nothing ever is, which is why anxiety is SO frustrating). I treated myself to Sephora afterwords and I walked in with a new sense of confidence. I walked up to the counter and talked to the girl that worked there without hesitation. She didn’t know what I had just overcome but I felt like I was walking on clouds (and no, I hadn’t taken either of my medications yet).
I have to thank those of you who knew for your support. My friends for not giving up on me, for sending me words of encouragement, sharing your own stories and not getting too frustrated with me after canceling plans time and time again because the panic was just too strong. To Andy for making me promise to get help because he wanted to see me better and he knows what I am capable of and what I’m holding myself back from. For not judging me when those attacks happen and witnessing it first hand. I know it’s been frustrating. I know it’s even more frustrating when you know if I get help I’d just get better. It was getting the help though that was the hardest, but I did it. I hope if anyone else out there struggles with anxiety and panic that you too will take the steps to move forward and get help. I know this will not be instant, but I already feel a little stronger. Although a bit nauseous and tired from my first dose, I’m willing to stick with it and find something that works for me. I’m ready to start living again, and I hope somewhere out there, someone else may find that inspiration through me.
I may give an update as times goes by if anyone is interested. I’m sorry if this got heavy and awkward for you to read, but that’s what the internet is for. Sharing, learning, and coming together to help those around us. If you are reading this and have suffered and have tips for others going through the same thing, please feel free to comment below. No one truly understands this disease until they have had to deal with it themselves. No one understands how crippling and exhausting it can be. It was reading words from others who knew what I was going through that helped, so now it’s my time to share my story with others.
This was my reward for getting help. I can’t say I needed anything in this photo below, but I know I deserve it.
*raises glass*
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